Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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