just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
another moral hangover. fuck.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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