so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
