Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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