so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
