How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
