How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
