Moan for me like Helen Keller
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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