i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
