I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize