if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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