Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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