i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
