God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
