Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
