im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
