You just made me feel so damn special
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
