I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize