he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
