i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
