I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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