i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
