I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You're like the curious george of whores
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
