Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You are the jesus of drinking
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
