$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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