My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
