my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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