I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
