I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
