mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
