This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
