i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
