Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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