Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
