I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
