oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
