my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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