i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
