just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
