I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
