I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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