just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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