every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
