it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
