We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize