i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
