I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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