we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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