why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
