im about as happy as oj after his trial
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
