covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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