i wish starbucks made bloody marys
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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