You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
