you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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