Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
