If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize