yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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