I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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