Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
