So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
