Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
