his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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