matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize