Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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