i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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