I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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