Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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