My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize