I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
