Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
